Separating Feelings, Thoughts, Facts.
We all have that one person at work with whom we struggle to communicate. You say the sky is blue, and they insist it’s green. Perhaps you should have sent an email memo stating that the sky was blue before the meeting. You may need someone with more subject matter expertise or a supervisor to confirm that the sky is blue before they agree.
You can’t change other people’s behavior, but you can control your perspective and communication style.
These tips will empower you to navigate difficult conversations with confidence.
It's crucial to be in tune with your emotions in the moment. If you’re feeling activated (feeling the heat, sweaty palms, tuning out, etc.), ask for a moment to pause, establishing a time to come back to the conversation. For instance, “Can we take a break and return in ten minutes?” Knowing your body’s cues for when you need to take a moment to pause will equip you with the building blocks to handle difficult conversations more effectively.
Allow yourself a moment to sit in your emotions. Often, we try to barrel through, but our feelings have a way of catching up. Take a moment to notice: “What am I feeling?” See if you can name the feelings (i.e., frustration, anger, judgment, etc.). Then, notice where you feel them in your body. For example, “I feel anger as heat in my hands and frustration as tightening in my throat.” Don’t try to change your feelings, but stay aware of how your feelings might impact your perspective.
Notice if you’re telling yourself a story about the situation or if past experiences might be coloring your perspective of the current situation. For example, “The last time I worked with this person, I felt like they didn’t respect me, and I’m bringing that frame of mind into this situation. “
Then, see if you can identify some objective facts about the situation, such as “When I sent that email, what deadlines are we up against? Who else needs to be involved in the conversation?”
As you reflect on your hopes for the situation, consider the importance of your relationship with the person. Is it more important than the conflict? Do you need to reassess your boundaries? Is there a need for you to communicate more clearly? It's crucial to consider where to take personal accountability in the situation by being responsible and proactive in resolving conflicts.
Remember, we can’t control anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, or behavior, but we can choose how we respond.
